Allison Holker is reflecting on the most difficult period of her life.
Four months after the death of husband Stephen "tWitch" Boss, the dancer is speaking out about her family's healing journey.
"No one had any inkling that he was low. He didn't want people to know," Allison—who shared kids Weslie, 14, Maddox, 7, and Zaia, 3, with tWitch—told People in her first interview since his passing. "He just wanted to be everyone's Superman and protector."
The beloved dancer who appeared alongside Ellen DeGeneres as a DJ and executive producer on her long-running talk show, died by suicide in December at the age of 40.
"It's been really hard," Allison noted, "because I can't understand what was happening in that moment [he died]."
And although she's facing a "complex" array of emotions, she told the outlet, "Stephen brought so much joy to this world, and he deserves to be remembered as the beautiful man he was."
Following tWitch's death, Allison—who launched the mental health initiative Move with Kindness in honor of her late husband—is making sure she stays connected with their kids.
"I'm trying to teach them—and myself—that if you're angry or sad, it doesn't mean you're a bad person," she shared. "We're coping together, and that requires trust and being really vulnerable."
And although Allison—who met tWitch while appearing as all-stars on season seven of So You Think You Can Dance—has yet to return to dancing, she knows it's just a matter of time.
"That's gonna be a big step for me," she said, "but I know that I'll get there. He's guiding me on this path."
After tWitch's death in December, Allison shared a moving tribute to the "backbone of our family."
"To say he left a legacy would be an understatement, and his positive impact will continue to be felt," she said in a December 14 statement to E! News. "I am certain there won't be a day that goes by that we won't honor his memory."
"Stephen, we love you, we miss you," she concluded, "and I will always save the last dance for you."